The Best Worst Hike of My Life

Up until a year ago, I had never even heard of Conundrum Hot Springs, but once it showed up on my radar, I knew we were meant to be. The best thing about these hot springs is that they are still wild. What I mean by that is that they haven’t been boxed up and commercialized like so many others around Colorado. No, in order to experience Conundrum Hot Springs, one must hike close to 10 miles one way, cross several “bridges” with high water rushing under them and ford at least one river. It is not for everyone and that is precisely why I loved the idea of doing it.

One of many piles of avalanche debris that created obstacles on our path.

I knew that once we made it to this beautiful place, the solitude and views would make it worth the effort. The allure of being completely isolated and surrounded by mountains and nature had become my favorite addiction since moving back to my birth state. When I first imagined myself hiking to this glorious place, I did not consider any of the real life challenges that I might experience, I just knew that I had to do it. I knew the distance was something I could manage, and the elevation gain was within my reach, but I forgot that starting a hike at 8,800 feet elevation is much different than ending one at that height. I also didn’t consider the challenge of being loaded down with food, clothes, camping gear and snowshoes.

A river runs through it.

With so many mountains and trails to hike in Colorado, I had put this one on the back burner until a friend of mine got a coveted reservation and asked if I would hike it with her at the end of May. I naively jumped at the opportunity without hesitation. By the time our reservation date was on the horizon, I had already hiked over 40 miles for the month and my achilles tendons were thoroughly pissed off. I had been battling severe achilles tendonitis for over a year, and had finally figured out a way to alleviate the pain through lots of stretching, trigger point work and proper gait. I just hoped that I could maintain this balance after an already full month of hiking.

Our reservation was for Thursday, May 27 so we decided to go up the night before in order to get a good night’s sleep and an early start the next morning. We packed and unpacked our backpacks, attempting to keep the final weight under 30 pounds. The snowshoes seemed like an unnecessary burden, especially when we woke to bluebird skies and no snow in sight. We arrived at the trailhead just as the sun was beginning to light up the sky. There were only three vehicles in the lot and that included my friend’s Jeep. Where were the crowds I wondered silently. If you arrive to a trailhead in the Boulder area at 6:30am, you are lucky to find a parking space. I shrugged it off and we heaved our packs onto our backs and began our adventure. To my dismay, we barely rounded the corner when we hit the first pile of dead pine and aspen trees blocking our path. Undeterred, we gingerly walked through them and marched on.

The aspen were just starting to show the bright green of new leaves and were waving with excitement in the light breeze. A young moose hidden in their trunks stared silently at us as we walked by, a healthy distance from where he stood. We had read that the snow drifts would be bad further up the trail, but aside from giant piles of avalanche debris on our path, the trail and weather helped us forget what lay ahead. It was shocking to see so many rivers of broken trees laid low like dominos on the mountain tops around us. I tried not to think about the unleashed power that caused them.

This was my first backcamping trip since having a partial meniscectomy on my left knee the previous July. My knee had healed beautifully, but having that extra weight strapped to my back made me feel completely unbalanced. When we came to the first of three big river crossings, I was totally unprepared for the fear that washed over me. I felt a ball of anxiety form in the pit of my stomach. The bridge, if you want to call it that, was pretty high, had no rails and consisted of nothing more than two fat logs. It was hard to ignore the water crashing loudly underneath it. While my friend made it halfway across and then laid on her belly superman style for a photo op, I took little bitty granny steps and just tried not to look down. Just thinking about it makes my stomach lurch. We had to cross at least two more like this and they didn’t get any easier with repetition.

As we got further along, it became necessary to strap on the snowshoes for a bit, but then we would hit another avalanche pile and have to take them off again. It became clear that the snowshoes, though necessary, were going to really slow us down. They were also using muscles I hadn’t used in over a year and my hips kept cramping up. Between this and the increasing slushy and slippery snow, our pace dropped steadily. We started to leave the open trail behind and walked deeper into the forest where the snow was piled up in drifts over five feet high. The sunny day had created drifts that were crunchy on top and slushy underneath, the perfect recipe for post-holing.

It is hard to explain just how mentally draining it is to take one trusting step on the snow with success and then to take another step and fall up to your knees in it. Snowshoes are supposed to prevent this, but they didn’t. I started to worry about how this would impact my freshly healed knee. It was very jarring. Every step was different and held uncertainty. Sometimes I would fall onto my hands and knees into a soft spot on the snow; other times, I would fall completely backward like a stranded turtle. About every third fall, I would feel it in my knee. The thought of having to have another surgery or suffer another knee injury had my stomach in knots. I felt like I was going to throw up any minute.

The best room with a view.

As we slowly made our way through the snow and trees the dread increased. It was as if time had stopped. We kept struggling our way forward, but we weren’t making any real progress. We got to a low river crossing with a single, thin tree in place that didn’t quite reach the other side. This was to be the last big crossing, but by this point, we were physically and emotionally exhausted. Our hiking speed was down to half a mile per hour and we still had several miles to go. There was no way we could cross the river without walking in the ice cold water and getting our feet soaked. We sat on the river bank and considered our options. My friend offered the possibility of turning around and going back. I quickly rejected this option and started crying like a cranky infant. I didn’t know how we were going to have the energy to keep going, but I knew we hadn’t come that far to tuck tail and turn around, at least not on my watch!

Soaking in the healing waters of the hot springs.

For the trip across the cold river, I kept my snowshoes on and dug my trekking poles into the slippery rocks. Once we made it across the river, I kept thinking to myself, “it’s gonna get better; it has to get easier soon”. My friend was of another mindset altogether and her realism about our situation seemed dire. It felt like I was fighting both the elements and her perceived negativity. The forest eclipsed the sun so it seemed later than it actually was. Every so often, my friend would comment on the dangers that we were facing if we didn’t arrive soon. She really started to scare me as she spun a picture of doom that included us freezing to death before we made it to our campsite. I was annoyed but too tired to argue with her. I had to pause after every few steps to rest and it felt like a luxury we could not afford. We were cold, weak and uncomfortably numb.

Eventually, we came across a sign that said the the first campsites were up ahead of us, yet when we reached them, site after site was completely buried under snow. My friend was hiking a little ways ahead of me and would call back every so often that we were getting closer. I couldn’t really hear what she was saying. I was lost in the sound and sloshing rhythm of my snowshoes scraping the snow. The next time I heard her calling to me, there was something new in the sound of her voice. She sounded hopeful, and that gave me a fresh burst of energy. A few more steps and as I turned a corner, the snow was gone. It was like stepping into some sort of garden of Eden. Everywhere I looked was dark brown dirt with bright yellow flowers popping out of it. I was awe-struck. I took off my snowshoes, walked past an abandoned wooden shack and then the springs came into view. Actually, I saw two tents first, and then two men lounging in the springs.

The first clear spot I saw, I dropped anchor. As the reality sunk in that we had just hiked for 10 straight hours through the most rugged and challenging conditions of my life, I started sobbing loudly in relief. I didn’t even care that it wasn’t at our official campsite. I was not about to budge. My friend walked over to the hot springs and spoke to the two men there. I’m not actually sure what they talked about, but the bottom line was that they were friendly and they did not care where we camped.

As soon as we set up camp and laid all our wet things in the sun to dry, we got into the hot springs. The other campers had graciously allowed us to have them to ourselves and it was such a treat. As I stepped gingerly into the warm water the stress of the day dispersed and my body finally relaxed. The water was so clear! I was enchanted with all the bright green and turquoise rocks. It wasn’t deep so I walked along the sandy bottom with my hands as my legs floated out behind me. There were little bubbles streaming up out of the ground in several spots, and that’s where we found the hottest water. To say the view from the springs was spectacular does not do it justice. Looking out over the horizon the rugged trail looked benign. There was no indication of the challenges we had just traversed. None of that mattered anymore though. All I wanted was to savor the bliss, the silence and beauty and let the heat and healing sink into every cell in my body. That is when the speed of time resumed.

Before the sun went behind the mountain, my friend got out to cook her dinner. I lingered and allowed the buoyant water hold me up. I was also topless, but there was no fear or shame because we were utterly alone. It was both liberating and strange all at once. With some prodding from my friend, I reluctantly got out of the water, and started to prepare my own dinner. Even the healing waters of the springs couldn’t undo all the stress in my belly, so I nibbled at my food and finally gave up. I could not find the energy or desire to eat. Once the sun went behind the mountains, we crawled into the tent and let go of everything but sleep.

As is my usual custom, I woke up at 2 a.m. and had to pee. It was really, really cold, but my bladder was not about to let me sleep through the night. As I got out of the tent, the full moon was shining over head. I grabbed my phone, took a few photos and crawled back into my warm sleeping bag. How I wish I had allowed myself to walk the few feet to the hot springs and get in. How amazing it would have been to soak naked under the full moon in the dark silence of the night.

The full moon shining over the hot springs at 2 a.m.

The next morning, it was literally freezing. My wet shoes and shoelaces had frozen solid. I made a mental note to untie wet laces before going to sleep in freezing temps for any future trips. Looking back, I realize I could have just put them in the springs to melt the ice. Not sure why I didn’t think of that until now. Clearly the previous day’s events had zapped my brain cells more than I thought. I could feel a sense of deep dread at the prospect of going back through the snow in snowshoes. My entire body ached. There was no point in hoping for a luxuriously slow morning and a second swim in the heated springs. The cold weather had frozen the slushy snow from the day before, but the untethered sun was already shining and we had precious little time to hike back over the snow before it melted again. We were packed and on our way back down the mountain by 7:30 with barely a wave goodbye to the mystical springs.

No bridge, no problem.

The hike back became a moving meditation. I started chanting a mantra to the Hindu god Ganesh, the remover of obstacles. It seemed completely appropriate, and it helped clear my mind. Om Gam Ganapati Namaha. Om Gam Ganapati Namaha. On and on I chanted it, sometimes out loud, sometimes silently. It worked. My achilles never started to hurt and we made it through the snowy forest without the snowshoes. Leaving early proved to be the correct choice.

Photo by Maria Pertile.

By this point, we still had seven more miles of solid hiking ahead and the fatigue from the previous day returned. I started thinking of different songs to occupy my mind. It became a sort of game. There was Steady As She Goes, by the Raconteurs, then “Just keep hiking, just keep hiking” a la Dory style from the Disney film Finding Nemo. I knew one verse of “She’ll be coming round the mountain when she comes”, but my friend knew all of them. I swear if anyone had heard us as we headed back down the mountain, they would have thought we were completely mental. We did in fact, finally start running into people heading up. We tried to warn them about what lay ahead, but they, like us, were on a mission and our warnings went unheeded.

We got to the river that almost derailed us the day before and discovered that the snow melt had washed away the thin tree that had been our partial bridge. There was really no choice but to get really comfortable with cold, wet feet again. I didn’t really care because my shoes were still wet from the night before. The water current was strong, but I dug in with my trekking poles and finally made it across. When we emerged from the trees, the sun was beating down on us and the piles of avalanche debris was even harder the second time because we knew they coming. Everything looked so different on the way back. It didn’t even seem like the same trail in some places. We were putting mile after mile between us and the springs when we rounded a familiar looking corner. I was expecting to see the original pile of debris, but to my surprise, a path had recently been cut through it with fresh chain saw marks on the tree trunks flanking us.

As soon as we got to the trailhead sign, we turned off our trackers. We had hiked a total of 20 miles and 2,848 feet of elevation gain. The unexpected detours we made over the debris piles had added to our total. Even though we started an hour later and didn’t have to use our snowshoes, it took the majority of the day to hike back. This was extreme hiking. In fact, it was gut-wrenching, anxiety-fueled hiking, and it was simultaneously the best and worst hike of my entire life.

I wanted to write about this sooner, but it has really taken me months to process it. When something big like this happens, it is easy to talk yourself out of your experience and downplay the hard stuff. Over the summer, I read other reviews from hikers who came after us. They were oblivious to the challenges that we faced because the trail had changed. It was no longer covered by dead trees and snow. It had completely reinvented itself.

Just as the trail changed, I felt changed. I didn’t notice it right away. The shift was subtle, but undeniable. It’s like John Muir once said, “and into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.” Every hike and quest I complete helps me recover a part of myself and my soul that was suppressed somewhere along the way. And once I return home, I have to decide which pieces to keep and which to release because “returning home is the most difficult part of long-distant hiking. You have grown outside the puzzle and your piece no longer fits.” (Cindy Ross, author and triple crown hiker) The puzzle pieces of my old life are being replaced with new ones colored by every post hole, injury, sunrise and scent of warmed pines, and I can’t wait to see each new piece.

One of the many outstanding views along the way to the hot springs.

Can We Just Be Friends?

I’ve been struggling with this question for awhile now, but it really hit home this week.  Probably one of the most influential movies that has impacted my understanding of this question came when I first watched the now classic, “When Harry Met Sally” and heard Billy Crystal’s character state in a matter of fact voice that men and women can never REALLY be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.  That gave and still gives me pause.  Over the years, I have tested this hypothesis and I have come to conclude that there is  A LOT of truth to it.  Notice that I didn’t say that it is 100% accurate, however; in my experience, it is mostly true.

Can men and women be friends?  Yes.  Does the sex part get in the way?  Yes.  Can they be friends in spite of this? Yes? Probably?  Maybe?  Actually, I have no valid data to confirm this.  I do believe it is possible, just like I believe that faeries and unicorns exist somewhere, even though I can’t see them in this dimension.

For starters, it might be good to define what we mean when we say “friends” and to qualify it a little. Let’s check in with Oxford just to be on the safe side.  A friend is:

A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

A person who is not an enemy or opponent; an ally.

A contact on a social networking website.

To be (or become) on good or affectionate terms with someone.

After looking at all of these definitions, I am partial to the word and definition of friendship instead.  It seems like a more accurate description of what I consider important.  I can be “friends” with hundreds of people, but far fewer of those friends involve true friendship.  This is particularly true of my friendships with men.  Oxford defines friendship as:

 . . . a close association between two people marked by feelings of care, respect, admiration, concern, or even love.

So why am I picking on men today?  There is a reason of course, and it is fueled by a man I recently met and have been getting to know for a few months.  He showed up at a time when I wasn’t looking and when I think I needed to believe that people like him exist.  He was my unicorn.

I met him while I was sitting on a log, enjoying the scenery of the aspen along Kenosha Pass.  Even though I enjoy group hikes, I also love being in nature alone, and such was the case on this day.  I had stopped to rest and have a snack before heading back the three miles or so to my car when a single man (with no ring on his wedding finger), stopped to ask for directions.  I gave them and as he continued on his way, I thought to myself, “now, that is the kind of guy I need to be with.” I thought this because he was out adventuring alone, enjoying nature in a similar way and he appeared to be single.

I was already in the process of gathering my things and continuing on my way when he paused as if he had heard my inward thoughts, turned around and headed back toward me.  I looked at him and asked, “change your mind?” We started up a conversation as we walked back through the wonderland of golden leaves and mystic trees. As we neared our vehicles, he asked if I’d like to exchange numbers and go on some hikes together in the future.  For the record, I have never done that.  I’ve never just handed out my number to a man I just met in the woods, but the connection I felt in that moment was undeniable and friendly, so I did.

Less than a week later, he proved to be someone I could count on in a way I had never imagined.  He inspired and encouraged me to fulfill my personal goal of hiking up to Gray’s Peak for my very first 14er.  For a hike that started at 6 a.m. and ended almost 10 hours later, we got to know each other more quickly than usual.  You don’t truly know someone until you’ve had to hide behind a rock and pee when they are nearby!

It was a few days afterward that I stumbled upon his Facebook page (Ok, fine, I searched for him). What I found was not what I expected; a recent profile photo of him posing with his adult children, and a very obvious wedding ring on his finger.  I thought it strange (and alarming) that he had left out this very important detail about himself.

To be honest, I was more than alarmed, I was downright pissed.  It felt like an intentional omission, and one that hit a nerve because of my own personal history.  When I asked about it, he didn’t deny it and confessed that he didn’t mean to hide it from me. There was already a feeling of connection and chemistry brewing between us so it felt like this changed everything about our friendship and what seemed to be evolving between us.  While it’s not like he lied, he also didn’t present the truth that a wedding ring implies.  We talked about his situation, and based on what he shared, it seemed like it would be safe to continue our friendship without stepping on his vows, which he assured me were over.

Every couple of weeks, we would meet at the crack of dawn and go on an epic hike somewhere.  It was nice to finally meet a man organically, without the taxing effort of online dating.  We  laughed so much on these excursions and realized our mutual love for nature.  He was always very respectful and conscientious of honoring my boundaries, and it felt safe and solid to be around him.  This was entirely new to me and I got swept up in it.

During the moments in between our hikes, there was much flirting and communicating via text messages, and a few phone calls.  It was about this time that it occurred to me that I needed to clarify a few things about the status of his divorce proceedings.  Being ready to sign on the dotted line is much different than just living under different roofs.  It turns out that he didn’t even have a lawyer yet.

As the truth of the situation came to light, he began to pull away.  Suddenly, the closeness that had been so easy and tangible at the beginning, was replaced with mild indifference and a formality that felt foreign.  I started to question whether I had imagined the connection entirely. The energy between us started to yo-yo between two extremes and it left me feeling much less safe and grounded.

In an effort to be a grown-up and not make assumptions, I asked what was going on.  His response was the type of bullshit answer that I have heard in various forms from a long line of men throughout my life, and it was not well-received.  It sounded like a cop-out and in one swift moment, two months of budding friendship became tenuous.

In a recent blog, I shared about how I had finally managed to let go of 18 years of anger, blame and hurt from my own divorce.  I know that my friend is at the beginning of this process, and that he has a long road ahead of him.  How can I be friends with someone without giving in to my curiosity and attraction to him?  The answer is simple.

I have come to the conclusion that this chance meeting and the challenging emotions that have surfaced within me because of it, are here for a reason.  I just don’t truly know the reason right now, but I think it involves learning to allow my friends to be where they are without needing them to be where I want them to be.  In other words, to accept them without condition, and focus on my feelings of care, respect and kindness.

I’ve had to ask myself some tough questions.  Am I the kind of person who only wants to be friends with those who have successfully walked through the fire of change? Or do I want to be the kind of friend that walks beside them, giving encouragement and acceptance along the way?  It is the latter of course, and I finally realize that in order to do this, I must stop projecting my expectations onto them, and just sit back and be grateful that they showed up at all.  On this day of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for all the perfectly imperfect people who show up for me, and give me the support I need, when I least expect it.  I hope that I can return the favor, and give back all that I have received with unconditional love and acceptance.

 

Forgiveness Looks Good on You

Letting go is in the air.  Trees are doing it.  The seasons are doing it.  Seems like we are in good company if we want to do it.  I’ve been carrying something for a really, really long time, and this week, I made a decision that I am ready to let it go.  This week, was the mother of all weeks,  thanks to a Full Moon on 11/11 in Mercury Retrograde.  Oh yeah.  Good stuff.  If you didn’t feel it, then I guarantee you just weren’t paying attention.

This was the kind of week that is like a naughty puppy, or child, the kind that will do just about anything, good or bad, to get your attention.  It got mine, that’s for damn sure.  I’ve been yo-yoing between waking up at 3 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep and going to sleep at 8 p.m. the next night to make up for it; but my desire to let go started on my only day off of the week and the first Saturday I’ve had off in recent memory that had drop-dead gorgeous weather. All my usual hiking partners were busy doing their own thing, so I grabbed my aging, but ever-willing pup, and we headed to the woods of Nederland and the Hessie Trailhead with the intention of hiking up to Jasper Lake off of Devil’s Thumb trail.

I packed my micro spikes, some borrowed snowshoes and plenty of layers in preparation for the deep snow that I knew would meet me at the top, and got to the trailhead by 6:45 a.m. along with a record minimum of only 5 other cars.  I love getting up really early to hike, and not just because it usually means less people will be there.  The light is so stunning as it rises over the horizon and touches the trees and mountains in front of it.  There is nothing like it, and pictures just don’t do it justice.

It was cold, icy and perfectly quiet; my favorite hiking conditions. About two miles in, we made it to the trail that would take us to the elusive Jasper Lake.  I say elusive because I had a hard time finding any sort of direct trail to it via my AllTrails app, so I used the Devil’s Thumb Pass to King Lake trail as a guide to show me the route that would take me to Jasper Lake without hiking the full 15 mile loop.

The trail became a single file, narrow path with at least a foot of snow on either side.  I was feeling very much like I was in the Robert Frost poem,  The Road Less Traveled since it was clear that the majority of humanity was taking the trail that leads to Lost Lake.  We got to an open area with an amazing view and an Indian Peaks Wilderness sign that seems oddly out of place.  The wind started howling as we hiked across the exposed landscape.  The snow here had given way to the dried up grass beneath it, but this was misleading because just on the other side, the thick snow returned and I had to switch to my snowshoes.

Since I was attempting to record my route, I had downloaded the trail to my phone and was using it to pick my way through the now two feet of snow.  Many wrong turns later, I finally found a single set of footprints that led the way into an area that had not seen any other humans since the most recent snow storm.   It was eerily quiet and the silence and view invited contemplation.

We were about four miles in and still had two to go before we would hit the lake.  My dog was so done.  He had not been on such a long hike in over a year and even though he wasn’t overheating, he was definitely tired.  One look at him using the snow as a pillow, and I knew we weren’t going to make it to the lake.  We pulled over, found a few rocks near the edge of a cliff and sat down to enjoy the view with some cold pizza for me and apple slices for him.

I started thinking about my life and what I wanted for the rest of it.  For close to 20 years, I have been on a crusade of defiance.  That crusade began when the ink dried on my divorce papers and I decided that men were not to be trusted.  I lost something very dear to me that day. I lost a piece of my heart, and I have wasted many years aiming blame and guilt at the person who took it from me.  I stood up, and spoke out loud to the trees and mountains around me and set an intention that I was ready to let all of that pain go.  I asked to be guided to release my anger and hurt and find a way to forgive him, and the Universe heard me.

As is oft the case, I promptly forgot the magnitude of my request, when first thing Monday morning, men from my recent past started popping up like forgotten popcorn kernels.  These were men I had met since arriving in Colorado, not my former husband, but they gave me some much needed closure and tested my resolve for forgiveness.   It was about this time that I realized it was 11/11 which in numerology is a power number sequence that is like a door opening in the fabric of consciousness that surrounds our forgotten awareness that we are creator gods.

“Angel Number 111 signifies that an energetic gateway has opened up for you, and this will rapidly manifest your thoughts into reality.” – Joanne Walmsley – Sacred Scribes

That evening, I found some instructions on how to use the power of the full moon and this numerological anomaly happening during Mercury Retrograde .  I wanted to wait until 11:11 p.m. to give this little ceremony an extra added boost, but started early because I knew this was unlikely to happen.  I made my list, burned it, and then wrote down the top three things that had stood out from it.  I took this list, put it in an envelope and went to bed.

The following day I was invited to participate in a mini Tibetan bowl sound healing session with some graduating students at Atma Buti Sound Healing School.  Sound is a powerful healer and one that I had not previously experienced in this way before.  Surrounded by bowls as I lay facedown on a massage table, another bowl was placed on my lower back and as it was struck, I felt a shot of energy rise up my spine and out of the top of my head.  That was the beginning of an even deeper shift that was soon to follow.

On Friday, I was gifted with a full body sound healing session from a very loving woman and healer I am lucky to call a friend and co-worker.  When she asked if I’d like to set an intention for our session, I knew that my request from the Universe on Saturday had come full circle.  I restated my desire to let go of the pain from my divorce and all the broken relationships that had followed.

During the session, I could feel this knot in my belly, right around the 3rd chakra/solar plexus area.  I knew that is where I was holding all the pain, and I knew I was ready to release it.  It is one thing to decide to let go and it is another thing to actually do it.  Knowing how to do it does not come naturally for me or most people I know, but when we do it, we definitely know it.  I pictured my former husband and I saw him as someone who came into my life to to be the “bad” one so that I could embrace radical forgiveness and know myself in a new way.

The tears poured out of me and I sobbed until I was empty.  I cried for everything that I had lost and for the hope of something that I know I will find again.  I visualized him surrounded in white light and I sent him a heart hug of forgiveness.  I don’t know if he will feel it, and I don’t plan on telling him about it, but I feel it.  I woke up this morning and as I look at my reflection, I see someone I haven’t seen in a long time.  In the act of forgiveness, I have reclaimed a piece of myself that I lost when I embraced the hurt from my divorce and planted it in my center.  My journey is far from over, but I think I am on the right path now, and I’m excited to see where it leads.

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How to be a Colorado Bad Ass

If you ever have an urge to really feel like a bad ass, and you happen to live in Colorado, then there are 58 ways that are guaranteed to do it.  Before I moved to Colorado, I had never even heard of a 14er, much less considered hiking up one.  In case you are new to this world of adventuring as well, let me enlighten you.  A 14er is a mountain peak that exceeds 14,000 feet, and offer views that will take your breath away, literally.

I turned 50 last February, and on that day, I decided that this would be the year to do all the ‘never say nevers’ and to make it as different from the 49 previous years as possible.  I’ve been following all the other 14er bad asses on their Facebook page for at least a year, slowly trying to build up my nerve while marveling at their accomplishments and thinking to myself, someday . .

With winter weather slowly returning, I had just about given up on the possibility of this goal being achieved before 2020, but then an opportunity appeared.  Another hiking group I follow posted that they were going to host their first ever 14er group hike.  I registered immediately, and only later realized I had less than 2 weeks to prepare.  Nonetheless, I did what I could when I could and as the date rolled around, I was totally ready to meet a group of strangers at 4 a.m. and hike up a gigantic mountain.

Unfortunately, the night before we were all set to meet, the group organizer abruptly cancelled the hike.   I was crushed.  My dog was already with the pet sitter, my gear was at the front door, and my snacks were packed.  I was trying to work out the details of getting up  at the crack of dawn by myself and hiking a 14er alone when I got a call from a guy I had recently met on another hike.  It turned out that he had been wanting to hike one more 14er before it got really cold,  so plans were made and alarm clocks were set.

We decided to meet at 6 a.m. at the base of the road that leads to the Grays and Torreys trailhead.  Numerous AllTrails reviews had warned that the drive was going to be slow and treacherous so we decided to park and drive together for the final 3 miles.  By the time we got all our cold weather gear and backpacks situated, the first morning light started to peek over the mountain.  The weather report had warned of high winds and cold temps and it was totally accurate.

The cold created ice crystals in the exposed tubing of our water bladders almost immediately, so we had to stop frequently to pull them out of our packs and drink without the tubing.  Although this hike is listed as “hard” it is considered one of the “easier” 14ers and can be a great way to knock out two at once since Grays and Torreys are next door neighbors.  I tried not to think about this as we trudged slowly up the mountain.  It was taking all of my energy not to reconsider my decision to be there.  I couldn’t let myself get caught up in anything other than the present moment.

As we made our way up the 3,556′ of elevation gain, we saw every kind of hiker imaginable.  My personal favorite was the guy who had shown up in no-grip Nike’s, ankle socks, a pair of acrylic gloves and a thin hoody.  To my utter surprise, not only did he make it, but he got there way before we did!  The hours ticked by and my hands and feet took turns being miserably cold.  Every time I managed to look more than two feet in front of me, all I could see where colorful dots zigzagging up a seemingly endless mountain top.

After 5 hours of non-stop inclines, I wanted it to end and was ready to give up.  We had seen several other hikers turn around without summiting and their disappointment was tangible.  As much as I wanted to give up, I also didn’t want to give up.  It was a bizarre dichotomy.

I kept sighing in an effort to catch my breath and when that didn’t work, I would just stop walking and stare off into space until I felt strong enough to continue.  I didn’t know we were close to our goal, but my friend did.   He stopped and waited for me to catch up to him and said, “Come on Logynn.  It’s not much further, and we are going to make it to the top together.” That’s when I almost lost it.  I could feel the tears welling up and they almost got the best of me.  I ducked my head so he wouldn’t notice, and within a few more steps, we were there.  All the struggle, all the baby steps forward and suddenly we were rewarded with a view that must be seen in person to fully appreciate. It is something extraordinary to be so small and feel so big all at once.

The top is actually pretty long as it turns out, and it was humming with activity.  People were walking around, smiling and taking photos.  While my first instinct was to collapse and sprawl, savasana-style like a sunbathing starfish, I headed for the rocks and a barrier from the wind.  I was in a daze.

As more and more people popped up over the edge, the realization that I had actually  done it hit me full on.  A complete stranger patted me on the shoulder and congratulated me.  Just like that,  I was home.  I was among this unusual new family of people with one thing in common, an unquenchable thirst to experience the beauty and bigness of this planet.

I was leaning back on my rock observing the exquisite cloudless sky, trying to find the energy to eat, when a lone raven flew overhead.  I snapped a few pictures of him trying to remember what my animal totem books say about ravens.  Turns out, its fitting that he flew over when he did.

If Raven shows up, it means: “Magic is in the air, and something special is about to happen . . . You’re gradually shape-shifting to a more confident, powerful and spiritually based you that will continue to emerge the more you let go of your old self.” (Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D. Farmer, PhD.)

When I looked up the meaning of Raven the following day, I was stunned.  I’m a big fan of signs and the Universe sends them frequently.  Seeing that Raven at the top of that mountain was a beautiful reminder that I am on the right track.

Once we had rested enough to stand up, the temptation to “swing” over to Torrey’s and bag a 2nd 14er in one day was strong, but I was in full body fatigue and shivering too much to take that thought serious.  The trek down seemed twice as long, and as we came off the trail, the once full parking lot was nearly empty.

One of the dangers of hiking 14ers is the weather and how quickly it can turn deadly with thunderstorms and lightning.  Aside from the 22 degrees and even colder wind gusts, we had been blessed with a 100% chance of sun.  The sunny drive back to the main road revealed all the golden aspen that were hidden in darkness when we had arrived several hours earlier.

Once we parked, my muscles were aching from sheer exhaustion.  I had one of those slowly expanding headaches and started shaking again.  I gathered up my gear, and prepared for the infamous bumper to bumper traffic on I-70 on my way back to Boulder. I thanked my friend for encouraging me to keep going and we hugged each other goodbye.

I am reminded of a quote I recently saw by Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountaineer and explorer.  He said, “It’s not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”  I conquered one mountain along with all kinds of fears and excuses as I hiked my first 14er.  I realize that in doing something so previously unthinkable and foreign to the life I once had, I am opening the floodgates to a life unlimited.  It’s a little scary but it is also exciting.  Change is inevitable, and I’ve decided to embrace it.

 

The Moments That Change Us

This past Labor Day weekend, I went to a retreat near the Rocky Mountains in Estes Park that has changed me from the ground up.   I was there to work and be of service, but as is often the case, I was not immune to the energy of great minds and hearts, powerful speakers, healing services, ancient ceremonies and early morning hikes and sunrises.

I was able to experience a Puja Blessing and Kirtan, an early morning Silent Zen Bell Walking Meditation,  a pre-dawn Harmonizing Nature Hike which included a full sage clearing and sunrise grounding and a Thunder Drum Circle in the lineage of the Plains Indians.  Aside from the stellar cast of speakers, writers and musicians, I was introduced to over 30 men and women involved in Sound Healing using Tibetan Singing Bowls, some of whom were also Reiki masters, therapists, doctors, fellow rock and crystal hounds and of course, loads and loads of yoga teachers.

With that many different healers under one roof; positive and gut-wrenching change is guaranteed.  It was like we all took turns having an emotional meltdown including unstoppable tears that came out of nowhere, stream of conscious journaling, the healing balm of nature and lots of support and hugs.

After a particularly emotional day, I connected with a woman who specializes in past-life regression, and I was all over that one.  We did a mini-session that took me back to a life that showed me the “mask” I’ve been hiding behind out of fear of revealing my True Self. I was surrounded with love and support from my deceased loved oneIMG_2032s during this process and I can still feel them near me.

The following day found me awake before dawn, hiking up a mountain in the dark with a small group of new friends.  I had been given two pieces of beautiful pyrite and told to keep one and give one back to Mother Earth.  As I stumbled up, tripping over roots and rocks, I was on a silent mission to be led to the place where I could plant my gift.

After the sun finished its rise, our small group wondered off to explore and connect in our own way.  I saw a hidden area with lots of little birds hopping around and chirping, so I went to investigate.  I was admiring the intimate relationship between the sun and the mountains when I glanced down and saw a feather on the ground.  I knelt down, picked it up and held it to the sun.  Just then, I knew this was the perfect place to plant my stone.  A silent bond was formed in that moment, with the sun, mountains and my ancestors showing me the way without saying a word.

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